I will; I will not…

I was watching TV last night hoping to get tired, but failed to notice (until it was too late to take Ambien) that it wasn’t working and had another mostly sleepless night.   I ended up laying in bed having a panic attack about 12:45 because I knew I had to get up at 6:15 to get my son ready for school and I was affraid if I did fall asleep, I would over sleep.  At that point I had the clarity to take an Ativan and after I calmed down I finally feel asleep around 2am.  I was awake again before the alarm and my mind has been hyper all day.  I know I’m being affected by lack of sleep, but my body is still fighting it.   I’m just not one of those people that functions well on little or no sleep despite what my body would have you believe.

So, it’s time to incorporate the rules…hopefully they will prevent a really intense low.

1. I will continue to eat regularly and healthy
2. I will continue to drink plenty of water and decaff tea
3. I will set my alarm to take Ambien at 10:30 even if I feel tired
4. I will remember that my child who also struggles with a different brain needs a good example of what to do when feel you are sliding
5. I will not contribute to my problems by drinking alcohol at this time
6. I will not engage in obsessing over real or imagined problems, but instead, stay busy
7. I will not let go of the rope!

Amazing Sunday, beautiful Monday!

I tried to go to sleep at 3 am, but still didn’t feel tired, so I took an Ambien because I knew I needed some sleep and played on the computer till 5 am when I finally got tired.

I slept till 11:30, but woke up feeling AMAZING!  Got up and blasted through my list of things to do.  Even got some things donated and laundry almost caught up.  Visited two of my sisters and still had time to play computer games with the kiddo.  Had trouble getting to sleep again last  night and finally took an Ambien at midnight (Thanks GOD for Ambien), so I woke up a little tired this morning, but feeling GREAT still.  Loved on all my kitties before work.  The sky was so beautiful, walking from my car to the office.  It was dark gray storm clouds against a bright blue sky with powder white clouds mixed in. The trees were shimmery from the humidity and sun peering through the clouds.  It jumped out like a 3-D painting.  It was so awesome.  What a gift nature is!  I feel like I could conquer the world!

-TJ

Awake

It’s way past my bedtime…1:40 am, but sleep has alluded me as of late.  I should have taken some sleep medicine, but my better judgement seems a little impaired too.  I have DREAMS of Grandeur!  Hoping to get all my back to school stuff done, clean the house, do the laundry, bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and still be the overachieving mom I always wanted to be and all of this during the course of tomorrow.  At  this hour, I’ll be lucky to get up by 11.  Truth be told the day will be shot and I’ll have even more trouble sleeping tomorrow.

When I was pregnant and couldn’t take medication, self or doctor prescribed, I didn’t go to sleep until 4 am, if at all, and got up around 11.  I guess it’s my bodies natural circadian rhythm.  I always had insomnia as a kid too…it seems more normal than sleep and yet it’s affects are so disruptive.  It makes me wonder why.  Ironically, I know why…genetic flaw…yet, I always want it to be so much more meaningful.  Instead of just the copy of a copy degradation of genes, I always wanted it to be so much more significant.  It’s always tough to remember that the madness is meaningless…lol…still I like the madness…just not the destruction it brings.