Kokomo’s litter is not pink today. Guess I over-reacted. I’m sure this is shocking! lol
***Trigger Alert*** Before we start – I’m in no way feeling suicidal
Flash back close to 30 years ago. I was in a dark place and calling my behavior “reckless” would be a huge understatement.
Tarek was from Palestine…the real one, not the one in Texas. He lived there until his early teens and carried a machine gun around town to survive. His family moved to
England to get away from the war and when he finished high school, sent him to Long Beach, CA to attend college.
Tarek excelled at EVERYTHING. There wasn’t a class or a sport he couldn’t conquer and he did it with an easy going fun demeanor, despite a lot of deep seated anger.
Tarek and I had a chemistry instantly and while it would be a long time before we ever acted on that chemistry, we started feeding off of one another’s self destructive behaviors immediately. Being an overachiever and “slightly” competitive myself put us head to head often.
We both thrived off of the adrenaline rush of danger and that of meth. To me, death didn’t seem so bad compared to my life and I wonder now if he felt that way too. Our one attempt at a relationship failed over about a three day span, but the friendship and chemistry never waned.
We parted ways when we both went to our respective homes to “straighten out.” We tried to keep in touch through snail mail, but it was hard. A lot of waiting.
One night during the first few times I considered divorcing my husband, I had a dream about Tarek that was so vivid and so powerful I began trying to find him. I learned his family moved to Spain. I continued trying to find him for years, but the mail kept coming back “no one here by that name”.
Then one night when I was at a “girls night” in my old stomping grounds I found out that Tarek had died a few years earlier, by overdosing. My world shattered around me, like a hallucination, dropping in pieces to the ground and my chest felt like an elephant sat on it. I pretended to be fine, but it was so all consuming, the minutes seems like hours and even after I got home I couldn’t sleep. I felt completely frantic.
Then I remembered the dream and wondered if it was him trying to tell me something. Maybe that he was OK? I could remember the dream in such detail, but he never said anything. We were at a picnic with his girlfriend and just having a nice time. I felt safe and happy and warm. I remember feeling such peace when I woke up from that dream and now I just felt confused.
In the last few years, I’ve dreamt about him many times. I still believe in my heart, he is trying to tell me something, but I just can’t seem to figure out what it is.
This morning I was struggling to get going because my son had a touch of a stomach bug and kept me up. I finally pulled it together and out the door for work about a half an hour later than normal.
I was sitting at a light when I looked up in my rear view mirror and saw a man on a motorcycle and instantly thought of Tarek. I smiled. When the light turned green I accelerated at my usual Mario Andretti speed and I noticed him slide up to me like I was standing still….and that’s when I flashed back to a night on the freeway in SoCal…complete with euphoric, invincible adrenaline.
Tarek and I were headed back to Long Beach, I was in my car and he on his motorcycle. We were going well above the speed limit, weaving in and out of cars like complete idiots, but the rush was like a drug. He would lead for a while, then I would manage to get out in front. We were playfully chasing one another in a dangerous dance with our lives. (and probably the lives of countless others, but I didn’t even consider them in the moment)
As the man on the motorcycle came around me and moved into my lane, I couldn’t resist the desire to keep up with him. My mind raced with memories of Tarek. It was the best I’ve felt in a very long time. After I finally backed off and he was far out of sight, my brain slowed back down to a reasonable speed and so did my car.
Then it occurred to me that not everyone who is feeling suicidal ideates the same. For many it’s a sad decent into the desire to die, but for others the allure of danger is sometimes inescapable because it’s easier to put yourself in harms way then to just take your own life. I wondered if Tarek actually meant to overdose, or if it was an accident during a rush inducing, risky behavior.
I used to be that person and while I haven’t felt the allure in YEARS…I certainly felt it in that 10 minute rush this morning. Maybe I need to take up Sky Diving. I miss Tarek.
I’m a little misty eyed. Monday, my brood is 6 weeks, the magic number for adoption. My little foster’s family decided they can’t take her, so I’m going to keep the smaller tabby behind to keep my foster company until she is ready (in about a week and a half) for adoption, but I already have 4 families wanting to come adopt the rest.
Of course, I have kept my emotional distance and I haven’t named them, so I thought I was in the clear, but tonight I went and sat with them again and it was like my heart grew three sizes.
I know I will do the right thing by them and let them get happy homes, but it will be harder than I thought.
I had planned to keep them until they could be fixed, but when I called they told me it could be 4 more weeks and close to $300. Since I am lucky to have made it this long without getting caught with them, I just can’t risk it, but I plan to make sure their new homes will ensure they are fixed.
The really cool thing is that several of the adopters want to adopt in pairs and I think that’s the best of all options for a kitten, so my heart is happy for them.
Once they are homed, I think I’m going to get momma cat fixed in try to bring her inside for a bit. She has really warmed up to me now that the kittens climb all over me like I’m “kitty mountain.” I can’t keep her because I’m at my pet limit (times 3), but she is becoming so docile I don’t think having her fixed and left feral is fair to her. So if I can tame her a bit more, I’m sure I can find her a good home.
I can’t believe my brood (and the foster) survived outside on my patio for 6 weeks. Nature is truly a force to be reckoned with…and I guess, maybe so is their momma cat and their human mom. 🙂
To the kittens!!!
Little personalities are becoming apparent. They are without a doubt a much needed joy in my life! I’m intentionally keeping their names generic for fear I will become too attached, but have to call them something!
Cali- the Calico/Tabby mix is adopted as soon as she is big enough. Houdini – the foster is going back to the finders as soon as she is big enough. That leaves 2 tabbies (tabtab and tabtwo) and 2 tuxedo’s (tuxi and tuxtwo) and I already have several people asking for them. Yah!
I know that it’s only day 3 of antibiotics and I shouldn’t be shocked that there hasn’t been any change in the size of Robbie, but there has been a lot of change going on inside me…
I feel kind of happy. I’m sure everyone is going…wow this chicks got a serious case of Munchhausen Syndrome, like I want attention for being sick, but that’s far from what is going on in my head.
I have always liked my immediate world to be consistent. I drive the same route, shop the same stores, buy the same things. But every few years I need to shake up my life to prevent self destructive behaviors that are spawned out of boredom. In the past that was like, moving, changing jobs, or sometimes both.
I have been feeling the self destructive urge a lot lately, but with the kiddo needing to finish high school, right where he is, I know that no big changes are going to happen with jobs or relocation in the next 3 years.
So I’ve been trying to focus on me, like I thought about losing weight, cutting back on the wine, exercise and several other self help things like the Gluten free trial that didn’t even make it 21 days. I’m so ingrained in my life and keeping it consistent though, that I can’t seem to make any real progress. I also feel like these are the things (weight, wine, lack of exercise) that are holding me back from finding love again.
So what does any of this have to do with Robbie?
I kind of feel like this could be the shake up I need to get myself on a healthier path. If I’m forced to change to overcome the lump, I will be allowed some flexility to do that. Work, home, everything will have to change, so it will be easier to break those old habits.
I’m sure I sound a bit out there, but if you are reading my blog, I hope that you have come to expect this! 🙂
First I want to thank Soul Gifts for the nomination!
The rules for this award are:
- 1. Post a short Q&A about themselves
- 2. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog
- 3. Nominate others
Books – I just read Sue Klebold’s – A Mother’s Reckoning | Living in the aftermath of a tragedy. I strongly recommend it to anyone who has heard of the Columbine shootings or has ever blamed another parents “lack of parenting” as a cause for their child’s actions. I couldn’t put the book down. It changed my world.
Movies – I absolutely loved the humor, both sarcastic and dry in “Deadpool.” It is most definitely not for everyone, but when the opening credits list the producers as “ass hats” and the director as “an overpaid tool” I know I was in the right movie for my taste.
Hobby – kitty rescue. I currently have…my 19 year old calico rescue, my 3 year old buddies a Russian blue and a brown tabby (one gifted by a moving neighbor, the other rescued from a feral momma to keep former company), a tabby that was formally feral with a broken leg, but is now the sweetest kitty ever. A formally TNR kitty that adopted me. Two feral’s that come for dinner. Turns out before I could tame them they mated…so Tuxedo baby-daddy and Tabby mommy have five 2 week old kittens and yesterday I added a 2 day old abandoned kitten to the litter. I might be slightly over my cat limit for my apartment. Shhhhhhhh
Thanks again Soul Gifts. 🙂
I made it through 10 days of gluten Free. I was finally comfortable with walking past the cakes, cookies and found much comfort in finding out that both snickers and french fries are gluten free!
I guess I started letting my guard down because I was not tempted anymore.
Then an old habit kicked in and I didn’t even realize it.
I was hanging out in my kids room talking about our new business idea. He had just finished a pizza, but he doesn’t eat the crust. I used to eat his left over crusts, to prevent me from feeling like i was missing out on pizza, but it had been a really, really long time since I had done that.
I guess we were in such an intense discussion that I just picked up a crust and started eating it. Then somewhere around the second or third one I screamed “$*&#!” My son stopped mid sentence and looked at me in shock. I couldn’t believe I had just sat there and mindlessly blew almost 10 days of work. UGH!!!
I got up today and decided that I’m starting over (right after eating that sausage biscuit.) I don’t know yet whether it was really working or not and I already lost 3 of the 5 pounds I had gained, so there is no real reason to quit.
Hi my name is Tempest and I’ve been Gluten Free for 5 minutes.