Category Archives: One step forward

Frozen by fear

Eleven days ago, I shared in a post, about what an amazing opportunity I’ve been given.

I was over-the-moon excited and spent 2-3 days setting up the new blog, profile, an authors Facebook page, twitter and even researched my first six stories. I invited a friend who loves to read, has a big heart and an even bigger personality, to join me in this adventure.

I made these grand plans for creating a Monday, Wednesday and eventually a Thursday series. The details kept flooding me like a waterfall. I invited the teens in my life to be my guest interview hosts.

As soon as the planning was done and it was time to get down to work…(insert screeching tire sound here)…panic-button-1375953_960_720

I had nothing to say, not only on the new blog, but here.

When I have an idea, I take it to an infinite degree in detail. Which, if I were a millionaire with nothing but time on my hands, would be ideal!

Since I’m neither rich, nor lacking in time consuming responsibilities, I eventually (it took less than a week this time) realized the impossibility of accomplishing all I’d dreamt up.

So I reached my perfectionism moment, when I had to decide to either scrap it, or do it knowing it will likely never be what I imagined…


Today I sent a Facebook message to the first person I hope to interview. Then I told another friend and asked if she would be interested in doing a host interview.

Maybe nothing will come of either, but today I stepped forward.


Mindfulness through television

Over the years, I’ve read plenty about mindfulness and it’s benefits to those of us who struggle with anxiety. Unfortunely, it’s a lot like exercise and only benefits those who are consistent in practice and I’m anything but.

I found a funny way to squeeze it in.

I am using my TV time to be mindful.

No, I didn’t give up my TV time to be mindful, I’m using it!

I began watching one intense show a night (walking dead, x-files, etc) and when the action reaches an intense level, I check my bodies response. Normally, I’m gripping the pillow, shallow breathing (if at all) and all my muscles are tensed. So, I tell myself to relax and breath slowely while continuing to watch the action. While I don’t always stay that way for long, the fact that I am able to will myself into a calm physical state is a huge improvement over before.

Yestereday, I put it to the test. I was super anxious about picking up the phone when I saw it was my ex…and guess what??? It worked! I was able to breath out the tension and remain that way for the brief call.

I was so excited at my progress that it motivated me to get off the couch and walk again.

That was the first 20 minute walk since the beginning of January!

I think that calls for more TV…don’t you think?

Normalizing, for the sake of my son and hopefully his generation

Today I found myself talking openly and confidently about my sons recent battles with anxiety and depression. I realized…as I was talking…how versed I’d become on it and how I was not speaking in hushed tones or with worry about who might hear.

As a result, the person I was speaking to, did not avert her eyes or look around nervously. She was not afraid to ask me very direct and quite frankly, intelligent questions!  It was, for what seems like the first time, me bringing someone up to speed on my sons medical condition with all the same normalcy that I would have exuded if I were explaining the details of diabetes or asthma.

Because I chose to go against everyone’s advice and criticism in the way I decided to handle my young son’s differences, I had to become well educated on his situation and surround myself with intelligent and forward thinking medical professionals to guide me in our journey.

Now I am comfortable saying that my son suffers from a genetic propensity to a chemical imbalance in his brain that is successfully treated with medication. I don’t struggle to find the words to describe how, as my son grows, his body changes and so does his chemical needs; therefore, we sometimes find ourselves going through the frustrations of trying new medication(s) until we find the right fit, much in the way a diabetic’s insulin needs change over time. I spoke confidently about the fact that once my son reaches about 25-ish years old and his body has finished growing, his chemical needs will likely stay fairly consistent. Of course, major life events or big swings in body weight can still affect him, but it will not be quite as difficult as during these growing years, especially now that he understands himself and has developed a trusting relationship with his medical doctors.

My generation treated people with Brain Differences as flawed humans. Many, like myself, did not receive the kind of continuous care we needed from an early age, like my son has, and as a result turned to other vices to self medicate. This only masks the real issues and feeds that notion that we are flawed and will never achieve consistency or normalcy. Having an addiction in addition to the chemical differences can prevent people from ever finding stability.

By grabbing the reins early in my sons life, I can say with certainty that he is leading a new generation of kids into a world where they don’t have to turn to self medication and live with constant uncertainty about how they will feel from day to day. He is learning how to care for his, fairly common medical condition, and can recognize when he sees changes that would require a visit to the doctor, just like a child with diabetes would.

Today was a step forward to normalizing the conversation around my sons differences so that they are seen for exactly what they are…treatable medical conditions. Not something to be afraid or ashamed of.

This self realization has inspired me to continue to spread the “normalcy!”

I hope, in-turn to inspire others (you!) to join me.

Facing the Fear

I’m not wasting any more time wondering what will happen if things succeed and then I crash and burn, otherwise nothing will ever happen.

A few weeks back I left a voicemail for the director of another non-profit that deals with the homeless and I never heard back. So today I followed up with an email that contained some additional information in hopes to get her attention.

Then I sent a brief invite to the people of a well-off community near me, through their town magazine. I have no idea if it will be published or not, but if I didn’t send it, it would definitely not be published.

I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about overcoming this noise in my head.

Pushing forward,


By George, I think I’ve got it!

As I’m getting ready for work this morning, it hits me! (thank goodness it didn’t hurt)

I know why I’m trying to self destruct.

In the past, I’ve been told it’s a fear of success. Not so much, I’ve been successfull and loved it.

Then I was told it’s a fear of failure. I doubt it, failure and I are great friends!

I think it’s because in the aftermath of success, peoples expectations of you are changed. You raised the bar. Unfortunatly, I have a hard time keeping up with the new expectations, begin to flounder and ultimately crash and burn.

I realized this when I re-read my “about” page.

It’s the story of my life.

My achievements are found in moments of 110% effort and I can’t maintain that. So I’ve always found it easier to hand off my ideas, just before the finish line, to someone that can already maintain that higher level.

So when I have no one to hand the baton too, I freak!!!

While I’m happy to have had this realization…now I don’t know what to do with it and I have to wait till Friday to see my counselor! UGH

I feel pretty

If that title doesn’t conjure up the scene in the movie “Anger Management” where Jack Nicholson makes Adam Sandler sing it while holding up traffic on a bridge…click here.   It will put my post in perspective.

I ALWAYS underestimate the power of feeling pretty’s affect on my overall frame of mind.

Today I dressed up for work. I fixed my hair. I put on make-up. I even sprayed a touch of cologne. When I was ready, I actually felt a little better and like I wouldn’t leave people wondering if I had a home.

I have to laugh at myself each time I have this realization, because it has been something that has affected me all the way back as far as elementary school. I wanted to dress up and look pretty. Of course, somewhere around late elementary and early middle school, what I thought was pretty was “business attire” which made me look like a freak, so I stopped dressing up for a long time. Now that I am officially a freak, it’s much easier for me not to care. 🙂

I’m in a job that allows business casual, so I often dress down, but today I decided to wear a new outfit I got for Christmas and when I was dressed, I was once again surprised at how much better I felt.

Gone was the numbing gray fog in my mind…cya Depression…Joy and I are having a dance today!