Category Archives: life

HAVE YOU EVER

Have you ever listened so hard, that you thought you heard what you were listening for, even though it wasn’t there

Have you ever wanted something so much, you could feel it practically sitting next to you

Have you ever heard yourself cry

Have you ever felt that you were caught up in a dream with no way to wake up

Have you ever felt so Blessed that you were sure your “time” had come

Have you ever noticed an ant walking on the side-walk all alone

Have you ever found a four-leaf clover

Have you ever lost something so precious to you that if made you vomit

Have you ever found the kind of peace that Psalms are made of

Have you ever cheated death

Have you ever made a mistake that was so terrible you didn’t believe you could ever be forgiven

Have you ever found love where you least expected it

Have you ever felt your heart race when you see that special someone

Have you ever held of fluffy baby bunny

Have you ever had “the falling dream”

Have you ever lost everything material you owned in one day

Have you ever gone through divorce

Have you ever painted an oil painting on a canvas

Have you ever held straw in your mouth like a cowboy

Have you ever danced to the music in your head

Have you ever stayed up all night to watch the sunrise

Have you ever felt so convinced you were right, only to find out you were wrong

Have you ever convicted another without all the facts

Have you ever created your own recipe

Have you ever climbed a tree

Have you ever watched a sunset over water

Have you ever wished you weren’t born

Have you ever said you would never do something, then later do it

Have you ever held someone’s hand as they passed away

Have you ever loved a child (your’s or someone elses)

Have you ever stopped to thank a police officer

Have you ever “paid it forward”

Have you ever prayed with all your might for someone else

Have you ever seen an animal run with delight through a field

Have you ever sat and watched a butterfly flutter by

Have you ever looked deep into someone’s eyes and instantly knew what they felt

Have you ever helped a stranger

Have you ever wanted to be just like someone

Have you ever said “I could do that!”

Have you ever been lulled to sleep by rain

Have you ever visited a cemetery at night

Have you ever dreamed of something that later happened

Have you ever been terrified

Have you ever lied to protect someone

Have you ever wanted to have a super power

Have you ever drank from the garden hose

Have you ever fallen asleep in the daytime and woken up disoriented at night

Have you ever cried for no reason at all

Have you ever given up

Have you ever lit a campfire

Have you ever looked down a mountain side and felt on top of the world

Have you ever held on too long

Have you ever protected a sibling or best friend

Have you ever had your heart broken into so many pieces you were sure it would never heal

Have you ever burnt dinner and ordered delivery

Have you ever planted a flower or tree

Have you ever been waiting for someone, only to find they forgot about you

Have you ever let a baby hold on to your finger only to realize how tiny and fragile they are

Have you ever felt nothing

Have you ever lashed out at someone, only to regret it later

Have you ever believed you could trust that one person with your life

Have you ever helped a friend through thoughts of suicide

Have you ever faced addiction

Have you ever cried so hard that there were no tears left, and you were cold and shaking

Have you ever sang your heart out

Have you ever felt patriotic

Have you ever played in the rain

Have you ever felt like a song was written just for you

Have you ever let an opportunity pass you by

Have you ever turned down the car radio so you could “see” better

Have you ever wanted something you knew you could never have

Have you ever stood completely still and held your breath in hopes not to be found

Have you ever felt like you were living a lie

Have you ever ran until you couldn’t run another step

Have you ever had a love one surprise you for your birthday

Have you ever reacted to something with absolute rage only to be jolted out of it by a shock inside your brain

Have you ever heard the stillness after a heavy snow

Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you

Have you ever whistled

Have you ever found something while moving that you didn’t realize you lost

Have you ever hurt someone who you didn’t mean to

Have you ever walked out into the middle of a field on a foggy day

Have you ever felt a part of something bigger than yourself

Have you ever seen lightning strike something

Have you ever put food out for a stray

Have you ever felt so lied to that you didn’t think you could trust again

Have you ever been so swept away by a movie, you lost track of time

Have you ever felt like changing your name

Have you ever had that fleeting moment where everything seems perfect

Advertisements

Procrastinater VS Planner

Since my ability to straddle the extreme in most anything is not in question, I’ll refrain from the long list of struggles I’ve had¬†in this area.

You’re welcome. ūüôā

I do have to tell you a funny story though and in it, I’m sure you’ll see this contradiction at play.

Monday’s used to stress me out. A LOT!

I’m not a morning person, and sleep has always been an issue, so I often spend my weekend catching up on sleep, which bites me in the butt on Monday’s when I have to return to the “early bird” world. And that is just the beginning of why I hated Mondays!

In the last couple of years, I’ve implemented a solid system of planning to prevent Monday’s from being so stressful.

  • ¬†I changed my start time at work to an hour later on Monday’s and offered to do a task that can only be done at night, in return. Problem solved!
  • I make sure I have clothes ready before I go to bed Sunday night.
  • I have a back up outfit, just in case.
  • I have two alarms.
  • I refuse any and all requests of a personal nature…no eating out with friends, no dinner plans, no running of errands, nothing.
  • I tell coworkers that Monday’s are my busiest days, so I can’t plan meetings on them or cover other people who are out. Pick any other day.

So now, for the most part, my Monday’s are relatively good and even when it does get a little hectic, it’s still¬†manageable.

My planner side is typically very effective….until my procrastinating side completely undermines it.

I noticed a button on my pants has been dangling by a thread…for oh, maybe two months now. I meant to fix them…I was going to get to that soon…next time I washed them….for sure then….

So today (Monday!), I enter a stall in the bathroom at work and as I unbutton my pants, off pops the button! I have to say, if I didn’t have a planner side, it probably wouldn’t have struck me as being so funny, but I found it¬†hilarious! So I pick up the button and sit down and spend the next 25 minutes in the stall trying to weave that one remaining thread in and out the button holes and then knot it so that it stays on. I’m so grateful there is more than one stall and most of the time I was alone, because I couldn’t help but giggle at the ridiculousness of the situation. ¬†Me, planner extraordinaire, lost 25 minutes on my busiest day…to a button…and not just any button…one that I knew was close was about to fall off.

Today I’m grateful that I’m less stressed and can find humor in these things, as five years ago, that would have been the straw (button) that broke the camels back (pants)!

 

Addiction Confliction

Addiction has always been my demon. I believe having a mood disorder that went untreated for decades added to a genetic propensity for addiction leaving me vulnerable and willing when the opportunity presented itself.

My dad’s father died from complications of alcoholism and tobacco use. My mothers father died from complications of diabetes and gangrene that was a result of alcoholism.

I started overusing medication at an early age. I would sneak into the medicine cabinet all the time and take anything from baby aspirin to Di-gel tablets repeatedly. ¬†My parents insisted I was a hypochondriac and I believed that as a child. ¬†However as an adult I now can tell you for certain that¬†I took medicine because I was physically uncomfortable, even if the cause was psychological. ¬†Each time my parents would catch me and make me stop for a while. At 13 or 14 I started drinking, but it didn’t become regular until I was 15 or 16 at which time I also started smoking. When I started working at 16, I was introduced to coke, which led to meth. Once on meth, I completely gave up drinking and smoking and I was hooked on meth until I was 19.

The first time I got clean I was 20. The irony was not lost on me when I was the cleanest I’d ever been on my 21st birthday, a time when many are welcomed into adulthood with the ability to legally drink.

Once I finally made it through meth withdrawals and back to some semblance of normalcy, I had to start taking Ibuprofen to sleep each night or otherwise I couldn’t get but a few hours and it wasn’t enough for me to function.

I was also a roller coaster of emotions.  Anger was a common one, but the spectrum was readily available, welcomed or not.

I went to the doctor asking for a sleep aid and she said she would rather I take ibuprofen than risk getting hooked on a sleep aid. In hind sight, I probably should have found another doctor, but I understand her reluctance to give a former addict a potentially addictive drug.

Soon the ibuprofen wasn’t enough and I began drinking again. A little, quickly turned into everyday ¬†complete¬†with hard liquor and many binge drinking episodes over the next decade or so (prior to getting pregnant). ¬†I also smoked off and on.

When I met my ex-husband, we mostly hung out together and drank. It was fun, we didn’t have a child at the time and we always went to work, so I became a high-functioning alcoholic.

I didn’t drink during the day (unless on vacation), I didn’t crave it at all during the day. I got home, made dinner and that’s when the wine started flowing.

When I was pregnant, it was the second time I became clean. I didn’t drink,¬†smoke or do drugs¬†and I have to tell you, that period of time was horrific. Not because I was pregnant but because I couldn’t sleep and there was nothing I could do about it. I would get 5ish hours a night, when I was lucky, and stayed¬†completely miserable all day. My anxiety hit a whole new high. I was so desperate for my son to be born thinking it would surely all subside, but to my surprise things actually got worse. I didn’t realize yet how taking pain medication would throw me into deep depression. Only in hindsight (after looking back at each time I ever had to take it in the past) did I finally make the connection. So after a c-section I spent two days in a morphine haze, which turned into a deep and difficult depression.

By week 4 of baby, since I never (ever!) got milk, I decided there was no harm in drinking a little at night after baby was asleep.

I still maintained that I was not really an alcoholic because I never thought about it during the day, I didn’t miss work, I didn’t drink and drive, I just drank a bottle of wine between dinner and bed. I didn’t get drunk in case baby needed me.

Years later when my marriage hit the rocks, my bottle turned into two. I’m fairly certain I was poisoning myself daily but all I cared about was getting out.

Once I was out, 2 bottles turned back into 1 and about a year into my freedom I actually stopped drinking for 3-4 months. Then the ex’s girlfriend moved from another state, to in with him and life spun out of control once again. My drinking went from none to a bottle and a half a night, in the span of about a week.

Two years ago, the ex & his moved out of state and things settled down again. Down to one bottle I went and I drink it over 3-4 hours, so I’m not even really drunk, I just get super tired and I love that. It something no sleep aid has ever been able to accomplish without severe after¬†affects.

Lately the amount has been creeping up again. ¬†I know that my drinking is a problem. I’ve tried to quit several times as of late. I can no longer hide behind my fantasy that I’m not an alcoholic, despite all my excuses: ¬†I don’t drink during the day or even really think about it. I’m not drinking to get drunk, because I don’t like being out of control, I just drink to slowly relax and eventually induce sleep. I don’t drink and drive. I go to work.

But the truth is that it does affect me.

I want to stop.

It’s good money going out the window. It’s hard on my body. I can’t lose the weight I want to. I sometimes oversleep. I hate feeling trapped by the addiction.

So in recent conversations with my therapist, I told her of my 3 year plan. My son will be out of school. I won’t feel as vulnerable, if I should lose my job. And ever since my first addiction, I desperately wanted to do an in-patient addiction program. I’ve quit “addiction” at least 3 times on my own, it’s hard, painful and I always end up back there. So my plan was to get the kiddo through high school and check myself in.

Now is when the demon rises…whenever I get to the point that I recognize addiction holding me back, I quit. I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I quit meth. So my brain is in a tug of war over the fact that I shouldn’t wait 3 more years. I’ve quit before and I should quit now. Save the money, the fat and the bad influence on my son and just stop. So I go a day without drinking and then the next day I have two bottles. It’s like I’m on a roller coaster and it’s become mostly what I think about.

I know from past experience that by week two of being sober, I’m pretty much home free if I stay away completely, but I can’t see making it to week two¬†in my current life.

I realized last night, after drinking one bottle (all I had at home) and not being able to fall asleep, that in the last 3-4 weeks I’ve had about a dozen hair brained ideas of businesses I could start, but eventually talked myself out of.

I kept thinking it was born out of boredom. It’s not though, it’s my subconscious trying to uproot my life enough to help me quit drinking. But then addiction sweeps in and says, you can’t keep up with a business, go relax and have a glass of wine.

I want to wait and check myself in and do it right this time…with support, with medicine for the withdrawals, with no outside influence from the real world and with the proper support when reintegrating back into the real world. I want real skills to keep it at bay. I want to break the neuro-pathways for good. I want to be really healthy. I also think it would be SO¬†incredibly helpful for them to see what I’m really like not addicted so that they can be sure I’m on the right medicine to control my different brain. I’ve never had a real diagnosis and my meds are always a best guess based on how I am at the time, including addiction. Yes, my doctors are aware I drink wine with my meds. They are not happy about it, but would rather I take meds and keep functioning than possibly slip back into suicidal ideation.

Yet, I feel like I am wasting my life. I have so much to offer, but I can’t truly be stable if I’m drinking. I don’t want to keep throwing good money away. I want to lose weight before I end up with a permanent illness like diabetes or a heart condition. I want to exercise and it not kill me like it does now. I want to get off the asthma inhaler and cure the re flux…both caused by my drinking. I want to stop feeling sore everyday when I wake up. I wan’t to break out of this 9-5 job and live the american dream…be self employed, have a for-profit to fund my non-profit. Do something that really has impact on others (in a good way!) ¬†I want to find love.

There is a tiny part of me that is afraid. I keep hanging my hat on the fact that if I wasn’t drinking I would achieve so much…lose the weight, get healthy, save up for a vacation, start a business, find love…but what if I quit and none of that is true…and I’m really am the same person even without alcohol. Would that reality spawn the next deep depression.

Maybe that’s addiction talking, but maybe not…I have been sober before….

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I’m sure this will be the subject of my life for the next weeks to months, but I probably won’t be posting about it unless it’s that I quit, so don’t worry about having to go through this again anytime soon. ūüôā

 

Friendship, Fellowship, Comradeship

It’s something we all need and something many of us here have trouble maintaining.

I remember as a teen, it was particularly difficult to maintain anything close to good friendships because of my extreme mood swings. I usually had no idea what caused them, although in hindsight I would say extreme sleep deprivation from insomnia played an enormous role, but I never saw them coming.  I made friends easily and was the life of the party one day and completely withdrawn and uninterested in communicating the next.

As friendships tried to develop I began to experience the bitter pill I would learn to swallow frequently when a friend and I would excitedly make grand plans and then I would back out at the last minute disappointing them and derailing the friendship. It was never intentionally to disappoint or push them away, but my unpredictability made it nearly impossible to have a reciprocal¬†relationship. I got to the point where I withdrew my feelings completely and would just listen and be empathetic to others to the point where one actually snapped at me and said “I always share with you and you never share with me…it’s like you think you are better than me.” Nothing could have been¬†farther from the truth in my teen years, it was more about not being able to share the whole me. The fun part, everyone loved, but the dark part was more than they could handle.

Fast forward 30 years and I do have a few very close friends. The kind you can wake up in the middle of the night crying over a sad show you just finished watching. Not that I would, but I could!

What I never seemed to get the hang of was regular fellowship. I was not raised going to church and rarely got involved in anything that had an expectation of my unpredictable time.

Now that I’m a tiny bit more predictable, I am really striving to find that regular comradeship to look forward too. Of course, I know I’m not able to make a commitment unless it’s completely understood up front that I will, from time to time, back out last minute. ¬†I would only do that if I’m not in a good place and that happens less and less since starting Seroquel last year.

My friend, who I talked about last week¬†and I hung out last night and make eggplant bolognese & pasta¬†and watched a movie. It was a lot of fun, but she too is looking to find a larger group of people to hang out with, so that if one person (like me) cancels, everyone else can continue on, keeping the pressure off should “moody me” strike.¬†I’ve tried in the past to start get together’s, but when I backed out they fell apart, so I stopped.

I think I have turned a corner though. I think I am ready to try again. So I’m going to send a message to all the ladies in my life and try to set up a paint & wine party. There are a couple of really fun places that host them, so I don’t even have to worry about cleaning my house! LOL

Wish me luck…and a hope that “moody me” stays on the picket line!

Three Day Quote Challenge

Thank you Pieces for nominating me for the Three Day Quote Challenge. I accept the challenge and will post quotes that best represent me on my present journey.

Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Post one quote for three consecutive days
3. Nominate three bloggers each day

Second quote:

Life should be measured not by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.          РBob Moorehead

By the time I reached adulthood, I had already experienced such hurt and suffering that I had become jaded, cold and fearless.  I believed this world had nothing left that could bring me joy and as a result I put my life at risk on a daily basis.

Fast forward 20+ years, I am grateful to say I couldn’t have been more wrong.  While I am not engaged in a relationship, which of course would be better as we are social beings, I can say that I find joy nearly every day, despite my moods.  From a rogue lady bug on my car windshield, to a squirrel running past me to climb a tree or a sunflower worshipping the sun.  I spent a half an hour one day following and momma duck with her little ducklings just to make sure they got out of a parking lot and back into the field.  I often stop on the way to my car in the morning to listen to the birds calling one another or watch a butterfly flitting from one flower to another.  And don’t even get me started on kittens or babies or this post will never end!

As with challenges and awards, there is no obligation to accept. With that being said, my nominees are:

Ana

Blahpolar

Phoenix

Updates

After a crazy two weeks, I’m feeling worn out, but hopeful.

Kitten Watch: Two days ago, I had five kittens, but yesterday I added number six. A newborn kitten that had been abandoned and needed a lactating mom. While she is considerably smaller than my brood, she is surviving.  My initial five are growing like weeds and are starting to open their eyes.

Tent City: I’m still very upset about the prospect of the mayor forcing the people to leave Tent City without any type of plan for them. I created my protest sign and then on Wednesday, the day I took off, we had really bad storms, so I decided to wait until today. I plan to just stand on any street corner this weekend and then on Wednesday, my next vacation day, I’m going downtown to the Mayors office.

Kiddo: We just finished week three of the last quarter of the school year and I can now say beyond a shadow of a doubt that his meds are finally balanced. He barely mentions staying home and has his grades back up. It’s such a relief too, that he is not at the maximum dose of any of the meds he is on, so when he does grow (and he will!) we can just make increases, instead of starting from scratch. So instead of a 3 month hellish change, it will be a 2-3 week not quite hellish change. ūüôā Seriously, it’s a huge relief!

Gluten Free: I finally gave up on the Gluten challenge. I realized all the foods I’d been eating were processed because I was looking for it to say gluten free on it. I’m back to eating fresher…veggies, fruits, etc and I feel alright. I don’t think I ever made it long enough to know whether it was really helping, but I guess if I get to feeling bad enough, I’ll try again.

Finding Love: hahahahahaha

Also I was nominated for an award and a challenge…so I will be back later today to share.

Time’s up – over bloaw, snap back to reality – Eminem

In a previous post, I talked about my vision for helping those that struggled to make it in our society achieve independence and while I knew it was going to take time, I was visiting the homeless at a downtown Tent City and bringing them supplies to help in the meantime. I haven’t been there in a bit, but I’ve been continuing to collect items for them and was just saying how relieved I was that the threat of winter has passed, making it less likely that any of them would die from the elements while I was putting my plan into place.

Last night I read in the news that the mayor has decided everyone must leave tent city by the first week in May.

‚ÄúYou do it in a civil, but serious manner and say, ‚ÄėYou’re not going to stay here,‚Äô‚ÄĚ explained Rawlings during his State of the Homeless address on Tuesday.

The shelters in the area are already bursting at the seams. Tent city, at last count had over 250 tents. What are these people supposed to do? Seriously? All your doing is moving them from one area to another. STOP MOVING THEM. Find a solution!!!

And what about the few items they’ve collected in their tent? How are they supposed to get them from where they are to where ever they go? It’s not like they can pack it in the car and drive away! WTF??? ¬† Should they just leave behind the last few items they own?

When I read the mayors words “You do it in a civil, but serious manner”….I have to ask

How is evicting a homeless person from the tent they live in CIVIL????

I want to stage a protest…

Have a human chain hold hands surrounding tent city and repeat over and over that we don’t move them until we solve this

but I have no social media presence, I have very few friends, I have this anonymous blog where most of the people I am connected to live all over the world and not here.

I felt my whole body, spirit and soul got sucked into a huge vortex. How could I have waited so long to help them. How could I have spent one weekend on my couch doing nothing. How could I not give any money I had. How could I not have worked tirelessly to get things going. How will I meet my maker and when he asks what I’ve done, tell him NOTHING!

I couldn’t go to work today. I can’t do anything. I feel like a mountain just fell from the sky and crushed me and I don’t care if I ever get up again.

If you are religious, please say a prayer for those living in Tent City.