It’s something we all need and something many of us here have trouble maintaining.
I remember as a teen, it was particularly difficult to maintain anything close to good friendships because of my extreme mood swings. I usually had no idea what caused them, although in hindsight I would say extreme sleep deprivation from insomnia played an enormous role, but I never saw them coming. I made friends easily and was the life of the party one day and completely withdrawn and uninterested in communicating the next.
As friendships tried to develop I began to experience the bitter pill I would learn to swallow frequently when a friend and I would excitedly make grand plans and then I would back out at the last minute disappointing them and derailing the friendship. It was never intentionally to disappoint or push them away, but my unpredictability made it nearly impossible to have a reciprocal relationship. I got to the point where I withdrew my feelings completely and would just listen and be empathetic to others to the point where one actually snapped at me and said “I always share with you and you never share with me…it’s like you think you are better than me.” Nothing could have been farther from the truth in my teen years, it was more about not being able to share the whole me. The fun part, everyone loved, but the dark part was more than they could handle.
Fast forward 30 years and I do have a few very close friends. The kind you can wake up in the middle of the night crying over a sad show you just finished watching. Not that I would, but I could!
What I never seemed to get the hang of was regular fellowship. I was not raised going to church and rarely got involved in anything that had an expectation of my unpredictable time.
Now that I’m a tiny bit more predictable, I am really striving to find that regular comradeship to look forward too. Of course, I know I’m not able to make a commitment unless it’s completely understood up front that I will, from time to time, back out last minute. I would only do that if I’m not in a good place and that happens less and less since starting Seroquel last year.
My friend, who I talked about last week and I hung out last night and make eggplant bolognese & pasta and watched a movie. It was a lot of fun, but she too is looking to find a larger group of people to hang out with, so that if one person (like me) cancels, everyone else can continue on, keeping the pressure off should “moody me” strike. I’ve tried in the past to start get together’s, but when I backed out they fell apart, so I stopped.
I think I have turned a corner though. I think I am ready to try again. So I’m going to send a message to all the ladies in my life and try to set up a paint & wine party. There are a couple of really fun places that host them, so I don’t even have to worry about cleaning my house! LOL