Whatever detached emotional hurricane, hanging around me for what seems like a couple of weeks now, is gone. I’m exhausted and unable to pay attention to anything for more than a few minutes. I stayed home today and already had a nap, but need another. Nothing sounds fun or worth moving for.
I imagine Depression hovering above me, ready to descend at any moment to remind me what a failure of a human being I am. How I know that I should eat healthy, exercise, keep a consistent sleep schedule and process emotional things in the right ways. I know that I should not drink alcohol, allow my self to ruminate over the bad times or talk with my ex. but, I don’t consistently follow all of that advice and self care. How my inconsistency affects my son, who also needs consistency to function well. How could I be so selfish?
Then I close my eyes and I see and hear my counselor. She is giving me that slight smile and knowing look and reminds me, that no…what depression says is not true. She is soft spoken and engaged when we talk. She gently challenges my abusive inner voice and asks me to step back to the center where I’m at least neither all bad nor all good.
She has been meeting with me off and on for 11 years, but the last 5 have been pretty consistent and I feel like I have changed a lot for the better.
She reminds me that Depression comes by when I’m tired, financially strapped or have spoken to my ex. She reminds me that depression stays for shorter and shorter visits now that I’ve armed myself with so many weapons of self care and even if I’m not consistent, I’m gradually improving. She reminds me that it’s ok to take a few days off when I need, without reprimanding myself.
It quiets the abusive inner voice for the moment. I look at the sunlight on the side of the building just outside the window and imagine it’s warmth on my face and arms. Then as if on queue, Itty Bitty kitty crawls up in my lap and begins to purr. When I lay my hand on her, she wraps her tail around my arm as if to hold me back. She is normally the Diva of my bunch, but not today, today she is my angel.
Only 18 more hours till counseling.