I’ve learned over the years that for me, when it rains, it pours…I am from California, after all.
In the last week I have been faced with so many things, so many emotional things that my body seems to have gone on strike.
I’m numb…disconnected completely. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.
I would love to say it’s my attempt at “mindfulness,” but I know I’m not that good.
What’s weird is that my body is still reeling…I was ranting angrily, then 10 minutes later crying which eventually transitioned in to hysterical laughter…to the point I was choking because I’m fighting a cold….yet, inside…I felt nothing. No physical response. No rapid heartbeat, no sweating, no face flush…nothing.
I have been thinking too fast…not sleeping much. It’s like I’m craving stimuli, despite all that I have to process. I’m listening to pod casts, while working and practicing my Spanish. Watching TV, while sending emails and texting friends. Anything to avoid.
I know that I will pull through it. A disconnected acknowledgement of the fact that I will not risk my son’s safety, no matter the cost, but it’s an eerie place. In the past I would have been flooded by emotion, distraught, suffering depression, but now…it’s almost a place of calm, but not a place of peace…a port in the storm….the eye of the hurricane…the tempest before the joy.