Wheel of mis-Fortune

Image result for wheel of feelings poster

I’ve learned over the years that for me, when it rains, it pours…I am from California, after all.

In the last week I have been faced with so many things, so many emotional things that my body seems to have gone on strike.

I’m numb…disconnected completely.  I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.

I would love to say it’s my attempt at “mindfulness,” but I know I’m not that good.

What’s weird is that my body is still reeling…I was ranting angrily, then 10 minutes later crying which eventually transitioned in to hysterical laughter…to the point I was choking because I’m fighting a cold….yet, inside…I felt nothing.  No physical response.  No rapid heartbeat, no sweating, no face flush…nothing.

I have been thinking too fast…not sleeping much.  It’s like I’m craving stimuli, despite all that I have to process. I’m listening to pod casts, while working and practicing my Spanish.  Watching TV, while sending emails and texting friends.  Anything to avoid.

I know that I will pull through it.  A disconnected acknowledgement of the fact that I will not risk my son’s safety, no matter the cost, but it’s an eerie place.  In the past I would have been flooded by emotion, distraught, suffering depression, but now…it’s almost a place of calm, but not a place of peace…a port in the storm….the eye of the hurricane…the tempest before the joy.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Wheel of mis-Fortune

  1. Mindfulness in one tool that you can use. Have you tried meditation, essential oils or other “natural” remedies that can help calm you?

    No matter what, wishing you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I want to try essential oils. Certain smells really remind me of happy moments like baking or being on the ocean. I keep saying I’m going to check into it, but haven’t yet. I need to add that to my to do list!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this place. I think for me it was numbness and the only way to deal with the overwhelming pain. I pray that you will find emotional healing soon. For me, it took journal writing and seeing a therapist to help heal and the strong desire to want to get better too. I appreciate your transparency in such a difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Pieces. I appreciate the concern and suggestion. I still feel like I am standing in the eye (calm part) of a hurricane and I’m surrounded by a swirl of different events and emotions. I’m afraid to walk through it, so I’m standing still keeping very very busy. I see my counselor Friday and will ask about my meds, perhaps it’s time for an adjustment.

      I hope you are doing alright too. I know it will take time, but I do hope you are feeling a little better each day. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for checking on me. I’m just counting down the hours until counseling tomorrow. I know my counselor will upright my apple cart and hopefully set me up for a good weekend. Hope you are well too!

      Like

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